DAY 30: Tales Of Protective Friends And Bad People

Day 30 Of How To Move On From A Man — 1LD

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

Mar 06, 2023

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Spin.

“Are you ok?” GG asked me. I was riding at lightning speed on the spin bike, faster than what the instructor was telling us to do.

I was in the zone, fixated on the wall of windows that lined the spin room. It looked out onto the cafe. I could see a couple sitting at one of the tables, sharing some food.

I couldn’t make out what exactly was in front of them, but I could see how happy they were. Laughing. Feeding each other. Holding each other’s hands.

It was enough to make you want to throw up. That, and the fact my legs were about to fall off.

“I’m fine. I just have stupid Douglas on my mind,” I replied.

It wasn’t quite the truth. Yes, I had Douglas consuming my waking thoughts. But now I had someone else’s relationship taking up my limited real estate; Sophia and Malcolm.

I wondered how I suddenly felt involved in their relationship. It was such a change from what had been happening. It was like my breakup was starting all over again, but it wasn’t.

I cared so much about my friend that I couldn’t quite put the pieces together.

What I did know is that I didn’t want to tell GG. Not just yet. Not until I had spoken to James and wrapped my head around it.

Guilt.

I felt guilty for not saying anything. We finished our class, and had our usual coffee and brunch before I disappeared back home. The whole time I was mentally biting my lip.

Perhaps it was the fact GG was dating my ex’s brother that I couldn’t tell her yet. Perhaps it was the fact GG had been through a divorce and had to endure a cheating husband. She might have liked it if her husband had only been on Tinder.

But her ex was far more devious than Malcolm. Or was he?

What sucked, even more, is that we vowed, at drinks on Saturday, we wouldn’t hide anything from each other. No topics would be taboo.

And here I was breaking the vow I made so proudly. It had only been two days, how was I already breaking it?

Protection.

As I walked home, I told myself I was protecting GG. I was protecting Sophia. I was doing the right thing by making James look at my Tinder profile first and make sure I wasn’t going crazy.

In reality, I wasn’t protecting anyone but myself. I didn’t want to be the bad guy.

I was already feeling like my breakup was causing trouble in my life, and in the lives of others. I wanted to retreat into my shell and go quietly about my life for a while.

Why couldn’t I do that?

DAY 30: Tales Of Protective Friends And Bad People

Day 30 Of How To Move On From A Man — 1LD

Spin.

Guilt.

Protection.

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