Lonely Nights At The Wrestling Followed By Gossip; Another Day Mixing With Exes And The Wealthy

Day 259 - 265 of The Andie Chronicles

Day 259

Standing at the makeshift desk in my bedroom, I studied everything piled across it. It was everything I had been trying to hide recently.

Underneath the piles of clothes I used to distract anyone who ventured into my sanctuary were my notebooks, my sketches and my favourite pencils. It was everything in my mind materialised into a physical form. They were my ideas. And, hopefully, my future. 

I shook my head at the piles. In a fury, I began to put all the clothes away. As the space cleared, I began to lay out all of my books, the pieces of paper I hid so carefully amongst the chaos. 

And then, as I sorted through them, I flipped them over, placing baby blue tack to the backs before attaching them to my bedroom wall. 

My oversized mirror proved in the way of adding more, so, with the same vigour, I took it off the hook and replaced it with even more sketches. 

Before I knew it, the entire wall was covered like a corkboard full of my ideas. It was the most beautiful mess I had ever seen. Better than any of the works of art I have scattered across the house. Better than the clothing, some designer, I have hanging in my wardrobe. 

This collage was a symbol of what I could create when I put my mind to it. It was my trophy, my championship. And, on this sobering Sunday, I couldn’t reason why I was trying to hide it anymore.

And as the last of my clothes disappeared, and my books found their rightful place on the desk, I was left with one last thing to deal with: the necklace, only finding its way into my home to show Cooper. 

And in a moment of weakness, and after a few champagnes last night, I showed James top. He couldn't believe it. He, too, noted how unlike me the design was after marvelling at the absurdity of the gift. “He didn’t give you this when you were sleeping together, now he gets it for you when he isn’t getting any. Fuck, that man is more backward than I thought.” 

I told James I was planning to return it to Douglas. James about thought my plan. “Why not take it to Tiffany's and get the money for it?”

In reality, I had never contemplated doing that. Imagine taking what it was worth and injecting it back into the business. It would be a little extra I needed, as insurance, in case anything went wrong. “Maybe I’ll think about it. Whatever I do, I know I can’t keep it.”

Besides that, I didn't want it. Sure, it was Tiffany’s, but the symbolism, knowing where it came from, who gave it to me, soured the designer piece, the diamonds, the worth.  

James acknowledged the same problem with the cushions that he had on his bed. He bought them from his old place to be used on his couch. Now, he didn't want anything that reminded him of that life, the argument with his auntie, the way she treated him and berated him for his sexuality. No, he wanted to move on, too. 

And as I picked up a necklace to look at it one last time, I kept studying the details. I looked at the way the chain hooked together and the way the diamonds sat in a halo of smaller diamonds. I felt the weight. I felt the craftsmanship that went into it. It was indeed a work of art.

I thought about what would've happened if he’d given me this necklace a few months earlier if he had given me this necklace for my birthday. Where would I have been right now if I was still with him? Would I have been happy? 

I might have been telling myself I was happy, but I doubt it would've been true. I certainly never would've met Cooper. I wouldn’t have met Sherry and seen a life where I was valued for who I was and what I had to bring to the table. 

There’s no way I would have found the people who weren't making me bend over backwards to prove myself. And they weren't making me beg for their love. 

I placed my handbag, the one I planned to take to work in the morning, on my desk and ensured the necklace was safely inside. 

This is going to where it needs to be, I affirmed to myself. 

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Day 260

Standing in my office, I had zero plans of touching my morning coffee. I had enough adrenaline pumping through me that me I didn’t need any other stimulants to confuse my determination.