Prude Friends Hunt For Threesomes; It’s Then You Realise Why You Should Keep A Full Wine Fridge
Prude Friends Hunt For Threesomes; It’s Then You Realise Why You Should Keep A Full Wine Fridge
Tales Of Week 5 Of The Andie Chronicles And Her Breakup
Day 29: Tales Of Sleepless Break-Ups And Poor Tinder Match Ups
For the entirety of Monday, whenever James asked, I pretend I felt tired. Exhausted. I had post weekenditus, I told him. I didn’t like lying to him but I didn’t want to tell him the truth.
I was going through one of those phases where I felt my only choice was to lie. The truth didn’t reflect too well on me; I didn’t get any sleep because I spent the whole night fixated on Douglas’s new-look Instagram feed.
And all the women who were fawning over his thirsty photos.
When I should have put the phone down, it got worse. I started googling him. I found an article from three weeks ago, where he talked about his single life and how he will always be a bachelor.
Relationships were too complicated for him. They didn’t fit into his lifestyle, nor did he have any interest in fitting them in.
Many media outlets were repeating his words. How had I not seen these interviews? Where had they been hiding weeks ago when I needed them? Or when I should have seen them?
When James left for the day, I locked the door behind him and slumped to the floor. The fatigue was real and I had let this situation consume me.
I crawled my way to the couch, turned on the tv, and binged three episodes of The Big Bang Theory. It was my go-to show at the moment, one I could switch my mind off and indulge in. It worked until I realised it was dinner time and I should probably do something about it.
As I went to ascend to my feet, my phone began to bing. I saw the Tinder notification and almost ignored it.
But as you can probably tell, my willpower wasn’t exactly at an all-time high. I opened it and saw some handsome man’s face staring at me. Hmm, I thought. Why don’t I find him as attractive as I should? Or, more to the point, as I once would have.
Stupid ex-boyfriends. Why do they hang around like this?
I swiped the man’s face and quite a few others until Malcolm’s profile appeared. It was Sophia’s boyfriend turned ex, turned boyfriend again. And there was the little indicator to say he had been active only four hours ago.
Part of me wanted to call Sophia straight away. The other part of me felt furious. I wanted to blame men, but that was too easy.
This was a people problem. It was about the way people do shitty things. It was about the way other people tested strong, impenetrable relationships.
And, to make matters in my life more complicated, I had another relationship problem on my hands.
Suddenly I wished James hadn’t left when he did. Now I needed him. Now I wanted to bring him into my problems.
This problem needed sharing. Oh god.
Day 30: Tales Of Protective Friends And Bad People
“Are you ok?” GG asked me.
I was riding at lightning speed on the spin bike, faster than what the instructor was telling us to do.
I was in the zone, fixated on the wall of windows that lined the spin room. It looked out onto the cafe. I could see a couple sitting at one of the tables, sharing some food.
I couldn’t make out what exactly was in front of them, but I could see how happy they were. Laughing. Feeding each other. Holding each other’s hands.
It was enough to make you want to throw up. That, and the fact my legs were about to fall off.
“I’m fine. I just have stupid Douglas on my mind,” I replied.
It wasn’t quite the truth. Yes, I had Douglas consuming my waking thoughts. But now I had someone else’s relationship taking up my limited real estate; Sophia and Malcolm.
I wondered how I suddenly felt involved in their relationship. It was such a change from what had been happening. It was like my breakup was starting all over again, but it wasn’t.
I cared so much about my friend that I couldn’t quite put the pieces together.
What I did know is that I didn’t want to tell GG. Not just yet. Not until I had spoken to James and wrapped my head around it.
I felt guilty for not saying anything. We finished our class, and had our usual coffee and brunch before I disappeared back home. The whole time I was mentally biting my lip.
Perhaps it was the fact GG was dating my ex’s brother that I couldn’t tell her yet. Perhaps it was the fact GG had been through a divorce and had to endure a cheating husband. She might have liked it if her husband had only been on Tinder.
But her ex was far more devious than Malcolm. Or was he?
What sucked, even more, is that we vowed, at drinks on Saturday, we wouldn’t hide anything from each other. No topics would be taboo.
And here I was breaking the vow I made so proudly. It had only been two days, how was I already breaking it?
As I walked home, I told myself I was protecting GG. I was protecting Sophia. I was doing the right thing by making James look at my Tinder profile first and make sure I wasn’t going crazy.
In reality, I wasn’t protecting anyone but myself. I didn’t want to be the bad guy.
I was already feeling like my breakup was causing trouble in my life, and in the lives of others. I wanted to retreat into my shell and go quietly about my life for a while.
Why couldn’t I do that?
Day 31: Tales Of Tinder Inspections And Harsh Decisions
James stared at my phone.
He kept studying Malcolm’s Tinder profile like he was an investigator. He even turned the phone upside down at one point.
“Do you think this photo originally had Sophia in it?”
I hadn’t studied the profile that closely but James had a point. I think this was her profile photo for some time on Facebook. I recognised the tiny little boats on his collar.
I hated it when I saw him in it. And I hated seeing him in it now, on Tinder, when he was meant to be Sophia’s doting boyfriend.
“We could tell her I found him,” James suggested.
I examined him much like how he examined the phone. “Then you wouldn’t have to lay down the boom, so to speak.”
I felt my face screw up. “Help me out here. What would be so bad if I lowered the boom? I’ve known her longer than you. I’ve been through some stuff lately, too.”
And I couldn’t quite finish the thought, but I thought about myself. Why would I be so wrong if I said it? Why was I the wrong choice?
Foolish me for asking it, because James would surely explain to me why.
“I know you’re not a drama starter,” he said, putting his hand on mine.
This was weird. He never extended this physical affection during the workday. James was a pretty serious guy when he needed to be. When it came to the working hours, you couldn’t get him to do anything else but work.
“I know you mean well. But lately, it’s kind of all been about you. And whilst that’s not your fault, you can’t blame anyone for thinking that you might be making this situation about you.”
James squeezed my hand as he finished his little speech.
“Look, I get what you’re saying,” I replied. I knew what he was trying to say, albeit harsh given the crisis the situation was spinning me into.
“But do my best friends think I would make this up? That I would purposefully try to hunt down Malcolm on Tinder in the hope to catch him out? Do you think my life has become that sad, tormented, pained that I need to do this to get your attention?”
James grabbed my hand tighter. “No one thinks that. But they might think it. It might seem like it. I don’t know, it just doesn’t sit well if it comes from you.”
He didn’t need to say anymore. I knew I was being problematic.
No one likes when a friend goes through something painful. It means you feel challenged as a friend, and that you can’t go through life with the status quo intact.
There was one thing wrong with James’ plan, though.
“You know you can’t tell her, right? You wouldn’t match on Tinder. So I guess we need a new plan.”
Day 32: Tales Of Secret Meetings And Saviours
As I walked up to GG, I told myself this devious plan was all for a good reason. I wasn’t being a bad friend. I was being a good friend.
At least that’s what James told me.
Before he left 1 Lovelock Drive last night, he left me with a pep talk.
I wasn’t being a bitch.
I was doing the right thing.
Sure, going behind my friend’s back, and treating her with kid gloves, didn’t feel like the right thing.
Yet, what else were we going to do?
The plan started with wording up GG. At spin class this morning, I told her our Thursday meeting was going to be canceled on our group chat.
This wasn’t true. We needed a way to cut Sophia out for the night.
Why? I couldn’t tell GG that yet. James would tell her tonight.
GG agreed. With zero reluctance, by the way. It was like she had done this before.
James faked a cough when Sophia called him to see why the meeting was over. Considering everything that had happened in the world, no one risked a cough. Sophia didn’t even question him.
The plan kept working. It was like James had pulled this stunt before.
And as GG sat down at the makeshift desk, my old dining room table, where we normally sat for our weekly meeting, it was like she knew.
“What’s going on Sophia?” she asked, with zero prompting.
James explained the situation, showed her the Tinder account, and we all quickly agreed to tell Sophia tomorrow night. At her place. Together. No questions asked.
The plan was set.
And that’s when it dawned on me as I looked at my friends. The way we were all together discussing how to handle Sophia and how we would break the news.
My friends did this for me.
They rallied around me with intention, not with coincidence as I had thought.
The fact they had gone to these lengths to make sure I was ok felt strangely comforting.
I knew other people would disagree. I knew other people would tell me it was manipulative. But instead of throwing one person under the bus, we went into it together. We didn’t allow one person to take on the burden.
The temporary moment of deception wouldn’t matter when the person ailing would see how everyone rallied around them.
When James and GG left, I felt relieved. Perhaps Sophia might be all right when she finds this out. But I didn’t feel like that when my breakup became a reality.
There it was. Douglas was on the mind again. I was asking why again. Why did he break up with me?
Day 33: Tales Of Surprise Threesomes And Personality Questions
I couldn’t believe my ears. Sophia knew Malcolm was on Tinder. She was on Tinder with him.
And no, this was not his profile, so to speak. Sophia and Malcolm had been lying in bed and scrolling through his account, looking at other women. They were swiping left and right, evaluating the options available to them.
James had to stop Sophia mid-sentence. “So wait, you were both scrolling through Tinder? What were you looking for?”
I had never seen Sophia look so proud, and unapologetic about her explanation.
“Well, for a girl for us to have a threesome with.”
No one could speak. It wasn’t the response we had expected her to say. Not even close. Breaking the silence, she went on to describe more about their window shopping.
“Why not choose together? It means we can find someone we can both get off to, you know?”
I couldn’t argue with the logic. But Sophia? A threesome? Really?
I looked around her apartment, decorated with floral rugs and handmade photo albums. I saw the pictures of her family, the ones with her grandmother who still lived in South Korea.
And there was a special rug on the floor dedicated to her pet Poodle, Mooshy, along with a custom bowl and matching pink tags.
It wasn’t the apartment of a woman who seemingly wanted threesomes. It wasn’t the home of a woman who wanted to share her man with the world. It wasn’t the Sophia I knew all these years.
Gees, some people really do surprise you.
It was the same way I had no idea about Douglas either. I thought he wanted to settle down. I thought he wanted everything he claimed to hate in that article.
He said one thing and did another.
That couldn’t be a man I could respect anymore. It couldn’t be a man I pined over.
I didn’t want to miss him anymore. It was better to block him out, forever. And I would make it easier said than done, I told myself.
James cleared his throat. He was still in visible shock about what was happening. “Who’s idea was this? Is this something you came up with?”
I wondered the same thing. GG looked like she did, too. “Oh come on, you know it wasn’t me. Who am I to say no, though? I don’t know, I might like it.”
The sceptic in me felt convinced Malcolm had fed her that line.
I’m not sure I would ever have my scepticism alleviated, though. At least he’s not cheating on her, right?
Day 34: Tales Of Pinot Guzzling And New Men
A black minivan showed up out front of GG’s house. The tinted windows obscured all the faces inside.
Still, I made my way across the road, teetering in my heels after a glass of champagne on a very empty stomach. I rectified my lack of breakfast but it hadn’t quite taken effect just yet.
GG stood at the door. “Oh hey, babe. Everyone else is inside. Except for James, who is using the bathroom.”
I kissed her on the cheek and ascended into the vehicle.
There must have been twenty people aboard. I recognised Taylor, Sophia, and Malcolm immediately, but no one else.
“Hi everyone,” I said.
I pretended like I knew the faces, or at least I wasn’t intimidated by the idea that I was setting off on an adventure with people I barely knew.
It wasn’t my idea of fun, but going to wineries and going wine tasting certainly was. And I wasn’t in a position to make a fuss with my friends. GG wanted me there.
I promised myself not to complain.
Taylor stood from his seat and gave me a quick squeeze. “Hello lovely. Here, come sit near me.”
Behind Taylor’s seat was an empty one, next to a man, one of the many faces I didn’t know. I took my seat and extended my hand to the stranger. “I’m Andie.”
This handsome figure smiled at me with beautiful green eyes, gentle white skin, and a slight redness to his manicured beard. “Joel.”
Taylor leaned over the seat. “Be nice to this guy. He’s my lawyer.”
“Ahh, a lawyer. Are you here to make sure Taylor doesn’t do anything stupid?”
Joel laughed. “No, I’m more here to make sure he doesn’t spend all his money on wine. His accountant is sitting in the back row as my back up.”
I joined in and chuckled along with him.
“You’re not going to stop me from buying wine, are you?” Joel shook his head.
“Oh, I wouldn’t presume to control your finances. But I warn you, I’m a sucker for any Pinot Noir from the Yarra Valley. And I heard we’re going to Yarra Yering. And their standard bottle is $110. I can be a bad influence.”
I couldn’t tell if Joel was flirting with me. When you get to your mid-thirties, banter like this doesn’t automatically mean you’re flirting. Sometimes it’s breaking the ice, being kind, and making conversation that befits two strangers obliged to get along.
Either way, it was better than everything else going on right now.
Day 35: Tales Of Spending Hangovers And Facebook Invites
Click.
Click.
No.
No good.
Not big enough.
Too expensive.
Don’t like the colour.
Click.
Hmm, not bad. Yeah, that could work.
Click. Was that one Joel told me to buy?
It only took a few short hours of traveling and wine tasting for me to fall completely in love. No, not with Joel.
With wine.
I mean, I liked wine. I always had a thing for good champagne though. But Joel’s palette and penchant for delicate styles of wines were infectious.
I couldn’t help hang off every word he said about wines, cellaring, and how to become a collector.
I never let a bottle of wine stay in my pantry longer than a week. I felt I didn’t have the willpower to hold onto wines. I bought them to drink them.
Yet, I didn’t spend much money on wine so there wouldn’t be any point in cellaring them.
Joel taught me his strategy for investing in wine. I took an interest; what else did I have to occupy my spare time?
If I was going to be serious, though, I would need some equipment. A fridge or a cool space in the house to store them. As I didn’t have the latter, a fridge would have to do.
On the last stop of our winery tour, Joel bought me a couple of single vineyard bottles from Levantine Hill. They were over $200 each.
He handed over his credit card so casually, much like Douglas used to do.
But he didn’t do it in a way that made me feel like I was some sort of hanger-on, a pity party, a pity purchase. He did it with grace, feeling, and care.
I felt like he wanted me to have the wine because it meant something to him. It didn’t feel like he was trying to buy me off in some grand way. Or get into my pants.
Joel gave me his business card and scribbled his Facebook username on it. Contact me if you need help with the fridge, he wrote.
Now, in the sobering reality of a Sunday, I stared at the card. As much as I thought he wasn’t flirting with me, the contact information would suggest otherwise.
I looked him up on Facebook.
There he was with a woman and a small child in his profile photo. I assumed it was his wife or partner or someone like that.
It was a good thing I wasn’t stalking him to ask him out or flirt with him or anything of the sort. I would have felt the pang of disappointment if I had.
But I needed help with the fridge. Badly.
I wrote to him, sending him the link to the fridge. “Is this model any good?” I asked. I nearly signed off with a heart emoji but thought again.
No, that wouldn’t be appropriate.
I looked over my cases of wine and wondered where the fridge would go. The garage? The dining room for easy access? I wasn’t sure.
I heard my phone vibrate and there was his response. “Yeah, that’s a good one. Go see my guy at Vintec. He will give you a good price. Cheers.”
Cheers. It’s the Australian sign-off that puts the unsuspecting person into the friendship zone.
I knew where I stood, and it was with a discount and free wine too. You win some, you lose some.
You’re reading a recap of The Andie Chronicles, the 2023 romance-fiction series from the 1 Lovelock Drive (1LD) universe.
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